My Battle with Food

My Battle with Food

No one knew that I had an eating disorder. Truth be told, I didn’t realize I had one either. In my mind there were two types of eating disorders, one where you starve yourself indefinitely and another one that causes you to eat and puke. I didn’t fit into either of those categories so I reasoned I didn’t have a problem. I gorged myself on food but then instead of running to the bathroom I ran away from the pantry… for days and weeks.

You see, I did not realize my value and worth as a child of God. I sought approval from others to replace the disdain I had for myself and when other people failed to meet the void I had in my heart, I would try to fill it with food.

I found a momentary comfort in the binging of food instead of finding comfort in my heavenly Father. And the more I ate the worse I would feel about myself. My perception of myself would become distorted. The mirror seemed to reveal an overweight, out-of-control young lady whose life was falling apart. So I would do the only two things that I thought would give me back my figure and gain control of my life. I would starve myself and exercise.

Depriving myself of food and over exercising gave me a sense of control over an otherwise out of control life. It made me feel thinner even if I never lost a pound. And it gave me a false perception that life was okay… for the moment.

But soon my body would cry out for food. I would become so weak and emotional that I would turn back to over-eating to soothe the hurting once again. And the cycle continued, binging, starving, binging, starving, binging, starving. It was a vicious cycle of self-destruction and pain.

My problem wasn’t really the eating disorder though. Yes, I had a problem with the way I related to food but binging, starving and over exercising were only symptoms of a much larger issue. My problem was what I believed about myself and about God. I believed my value and worth were in how I looked, what people thought of me and how well I managed my life. I believed that God had good things to offer me but that the best things were really found in the world. And I wanted the best the world supposedly had to offer. The lies I believed left me empty and depressed and instead of turning to the source of true joy and peace I turned to food.

It has been over a decade since my battle with food came to an end but it didn’t disappear overnight. I had to spend time in God’s Word learning and then embracing the truth of who I am in Christ and how much God loves me. I had to renounce the lies and replace them with the truth of who God is and what His promises are for me. The world told me that my worth was in my looks, my accomplishments and the amount of possessions that I owned but God says my worth is found in Christ. I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ. I walk and talk with the Creator of the world. I am treasured by God!

My battle with food is over but I still must battle the lies of the enemy. The enemy wants to keep me from walking in freedom so I cling to the Word of God for the truth that has set me free.

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  1. Wow! Thanks so much for sharing your story! You and I have a lot in common. 🙂 I never realized I had an eating disorder since I convinced myself that I was still eating (so not anorexic) and I wasn’t throwing up (so not bulimic). However, the 6+ miles I ran everyday helped me mask my compulsive over eating problem. Amen to clinging to God!! This was so encouraging…I’m not alone. 🙂

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